"Only a person or nation self-confident, in the best sense of the word, is capable of listening to the voice of others and accepting them as equal to oneself. Let us try to introduce self-confidence into the life of our community and into the conduct of nations." Vaclav Havel (Czech President 1990)

The BBC once did a series on confidence. They chose 12 people who really wanted to have more confidence in their lives generally.

Before filming started confidence generally was increasing with the participants owing to the simple fact that they were getting the attention of film crew and being listened to. One woman actually asked to 'drop out' just before filming started as she felt so valued having being on a) picked for the TV programme and b) the researcher who 'found' her seemed to find her so interesting, this gave her the 'confidence' to tackle her husband and children about taking her for granted. She got this resolved and someone else took her place.

The dictionary term for confidence is "trust in a person or thing, belief in one's own abilities, self-assurance."

Confidence is a skill and like any other skill we can learn it. It would appear, generally speaking, that women will talk about their lack of confidence in whatever area of their lives, whereas men find it much more difficult to own up to a lack of confidence.

One of the saddest thing about people who lack confidence is that they tend to go through life doing just that 'lacking'. Confidence is over-rated, believe me, it is like any other skill, with repetition, you get good at it.

It usually starts in childhood. I remember an actress I used to work with who had two small daughters and she really installed confidence in them. Every time one of them came home from school with a 'telling off' from the teacher or a friend who said something bad about them, Val (my friend) would always say "that's wonderful" whatever they said.

Then she would 'reframe' it e.g. Shirley said "I can't draw properly". "That's wonderful (Val would say) because you can ask her to help you because she must be so good so you'll get better because she'll show you." Or words to that effect.

Now if you weren't lucky enough to have parents who did this continually you need to put a bit of work in. So, first you need to analyze your self image. Do you like your self-image. are you happy with what you have 'chosen' to believe about yourself or would you rather make some changes there?

For instance, maybe you would rather be more beautiful/handsome/funnier/taller, etc.

But just because you are not incredibly beautiful that doesn't mean to say you have to put yourself down and tell yourself (your self-image) that you are ugly and probably no one will ever fancy you!

It's imperative that you be kinder on yourself regarding self image because that is the first stage in building your inner confidence. This bit is crucial as it leads to beliefs such as "I'm not a worthwhile person," "I'll never get that promotion," etc.

Instead, begin thinking, "I always do the best job I can when I'm working," "I deserve promotion", etc.

Every time we tell ourselves something positive (and see a picture to go with it) we are really on our way to helping ourselves to more confidence.

Also learn to be more internally referenced. For instance, if you always have to have approval from someone, boss, parents, partner, etc, begin to re-think this. Ask yourself "Did I do a good job there"? "Could I have improved on it"?

When you've answered honestly, move on. If you want to ask someone else, know that you have already made your own mind up, you don't actually need their opinion unless it is very constructive.

This is a good thing to teach children, for instance, if they tell you that their teacher said something negative about what they did, ask them "Do you think that's a fair comment?". This way you will get them to think for themselves and take responsibility for their actions, very empowering.

Catch yourself and your children, in "the act of doing something right", for instance, notice the care you are putting into that report and pat yourself on the back, or your child putting something into the washing basket unasked (okay, I'm stretching it a bit here, but you get my drift) and thank them for being considerate. This way you are beginning to access the success neural networks instead of the usual "I'll just beat myself up for an hour" networks!

Willpower rarely works when trying to change something at a deep level. We have to change our self image if we are to achieve certain things in life, such as thinking like a non-smoker, a thin person, a successful person, etc. Our behaviours automatically follow because these thoughts of how we think about ourselves automatically gives us feelings. If you want positive feelings have positive thoughts about yourself.

Certainly, do the world a favour and install great self image into your children or any children you come across.

Until next week Onwards and Upwards and have a CONFIDENT week!