WEEKLY COACHING TIP #136

HOW GOOD A FRIEND ARE YOU?

Do you consider yourself to be a good friend?  In fact, what does being a good friend mean to you specifically?

I pondered this question because ZEST Magazine rang me up in my capacity as life coach to give them some pointers for an article called 3 Ways to Be a Great Friend which is published this month (March).  They haven’t printed it in its entirety so I thought I’d give you a slightly fuller version on some of the aspects of friendship.

1.       Never treat your friendships casually. When you've known one another for years, it's especially easy to overlook a friend's positive traits and focus on his/her bad points, such as perpetual lateness.

2.       Make an effort to do things the two of you enjoy together such as shopping or going to the cinema

3.       To give someone a boost, tell them that you value them and why, such as, 'I love you because you always make me smile.'

In fact, when was the last time you told your friends you loved them?  Last week, 2 years ago, never?  If not, why not?  Quite often it’s because deep down we don’t want to expose ourselves, make ourselves vulnerable.  We fear that if we say something like I love you, it may not be reciprocated and that can set off a whole load of feelings inside us. 

4.       If you are in a friendship just for what you can get out of it or to make you feel superior in some way, it would be very wise to question that behaviour.  Real friendship is about give and take, equal terms and sometimes one of you is going to have to be ‘bigger/kinder/supportive, etc, than the other.  Do it, do it and expect nothing back, it feels wonderful to give like that.  Believe me, you will get so much more in your life, maybe not instantly but you will receive good stuff back. Of course, this doesn’t mean turning yourself into a doormat!

5.       Don't harbour resentment. Whenever there's a problem, explain that his/her behaviour has upset you.  That’s her behaviour, not her.  For example, instead of saying I hate you when you do xxx.  Try saying, “You know when you do xxx well that kind of behaviour upsets me, could you not do it anymore. This way you aren’t pointing the finger at her but at her behaviour. It'll make a lasting disagreement less likely

6.       Find out his/her ‘rules’.  This is a crucial point in any relationship.  For example, if I have a ‘rule’ in my mind, that if anyone loves me then they would never raise their voice to me. Now, if my friends/lover aren’t aware of that rule, there could be conflict, especially if one of their rules is ‘anyone I truly care about I am always honest in the moment with them’.

Another example could be “you know, if you don’t call me for a month, I think you don’t care”. (I bet they would be shocked). Chances are, they are thinking “We’re such good friends I feel we can pick up just where we left off at any time; I don’t feel the need to phone regularly.”

By communicating this way you can both find out exactly where you are coming from and know you don’t have to get upset because you now know each other’s ‘rules.’

Until next week Onwards and Upwards!

© 2005 INSPIRIT & Denise Bosque All Rights Reserved