WEEKLY COACHING TIP #161

9 THINGS TO TELL YOUR LOVER

Handling any relationship can take time, energy and skill, as I was so acutely reminded of the other day, when I said something to my husband in French, that was so horrendously incorrect on a basic level (his words, not mine!) that I had to fight not to go on the defensive, in the end I laughed and he apologised. Have you ever noticed how handling your relationship with your spouse can often be the one where you take the most liberties?  It’s so easy to take each other for granted and talk to each other, sometimes in ways you wouldn’t dream of talking to an enemy!  The main problem is we tend to come from one of two places. We are either attacking/criticizing or being defensive and closing down.

Either way, frustration and blame can often follow.  So, what to do about it?  Well, if we were all incredibly evolved and enlightened human beings, we would just give up our need to be right; the ego wouldn’t be pulling on our shirt tails all the time. However, taking a guess here, that maybe we are not all that evolved YET, I thought I’d do a few pointers on how to communicate, non threateningly and in a positive way in our relationship with our spouse, or anyone else come to that.  So here are some tips on communicating more openly and generously.

The first thing I would say is, if you can begin to give up your need to be ‘right’ it’s a fantastic place to start from.

When you are feeling Upset

• “I feel upset about xxxx and I just want to check if I’m reading the situation right?”
• “I’m feeling confused right now could you listen while I try to understand where it’s coming from?”

When you feel Resentment or Anger

Times when you would have ‘sat’ on it.  It’s useless to sit on things as the unexpressed feeling will run your life anyway and your partner will ‘pick up’ the vibes, so get it out.

• “Something you did/said the other day upset me, could we talk about it?

When you want to be Open and Prepared to be Vulnerable

Sometimes it can be difficult to ask for what we want without somehow blaming. However, if you ask in a completely honest way and without expectations of how you want your partner to respond, it’s is very healing and empowering for both parties

• “I’ve had some thoughts on something which I think might help our relationship when we get stuck”.
• “Sometimes I think you close off from me, or (I close off from you) I don’t know why and I would like to get to the bottom of it so it doesn’t happen so much.”
• “Occasionally I feel I want more attention/affection from you, how would you feel if I just ask for it?”
• “It’s hard for me to express my feelings sometimes, could you help me?
• “I think it’s hard for you to express your feelings sometimes, would you want me to help you?”

Anytime

• “Have I told you recently how much I love/appreciate you?”

I believe we will all become better, more loving human beings and be happier in our lives, if we first work on our selves, then the whole of the planet benefits.

And on that note, I just want to say that I appreciate you spreading the word by sharing these tips.

Have a fantastic, loving and positive week!

© 2005 INSPIRIT & Denise Bosque All Rights Reserved

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