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WEEKLY COACHING TIP #170 IS HAPPINESS OVERRATED? You know there is an awful lot written about having a Positive Mental Attitude. We live in an age of self help books, old wisdom and new age ideas, which tell us if we are miserable its our fault. To a large extent I absolutely agree with this. However, I think we sometimes forget that life isnt about being incredibly happy all the time. This is such a strain to try to achieve. How would you know happiness unless you had sadness? If it was sunny all the time we would have a desert. We need the rain. If you have ever been through a really traumatic time in your life, you probably found in retrospect, that it was a great gift, even though it may have been incredibly difficult to get through at the time. If you think back to times when you were really happy, often there may not have been any learning there. You just sailed through it and had a good time, maybe you remembered to stop and be grateful for it, but that was it. Martin Seligman, a renowned psychologist and clinical researcher, has been studying optimists and pessimists for 25 years. Pessimists believe that bad events are their fault, will last a long time, and undermine everything. They feel helpless and may sink into depression, which is epidemic today, especially among youths (according to the World Health Organisation depression is already the second most debilitating condition for 15-44 years and in 2020 it will be for children too). Optimists, on the other hand, believe that defeat is a temporary setback or a challenge--it doesn't knock them down. "Pessimism is escapable," asserts Seligman, by learning a new set of cognitive skills that will enable you to take charge, resist depression, and make yourself feel better and accomplish more. Today, more than ever, people, even very young people are depressed and even taking anti depressants. I see a lot of this myself in my own practice. One of the main reasons I believe is that we have become disconnected. Disconnected from our families, extended families, communities and disconnected from ourselves. Also we are often lacking in any spiritual practices. I honestly believe that for EVERYTHING, if we look inside ourselves we will begin to find the answers and the joy. Maybe we arent meant to be happy all the time, where would the growth be if we were, how bland life would be? However, I do believe, if we were contented, that would be achievable almost all of the time. To give an example my dad is one of the most contented men I know. He has never been out of his home town in his 72 years, until last year he came with me to France when I did my Stretch Your Mind, Stretch Your Body course. He thoroughly enjoyed it and added much to the week for all the people on the course. Yet, when I asked him if he was glad he came, he just said, it was okay, and I just know, if I had asked if he was glad if he had stayed behind, he would have replied, it was okay. This attitude used to really frustrate me, why didnt he ever get really excited or even angry about things? I have learned, that his phrase, which he uses often, "que sera sera", is actually how he lives his life (do you remember The Matty Principle?) Just like the monks Ive met over the years, if its sunny, they say, its fine, if its raining, they say, its fine. Always in a place of accepting where they are. Trying to stop the rain falling or change someone is like trying to teach a cat to bark. Inner contentment is where its at. If you look at the amount of meditation and holistic spiritual practices now, from tai chi to transcendental meditation, you can see people are really looking for something, and they are looking in the only place they will find the answers, inside. This is where contentment resides. People understand at some level, it only comes from within, and getting in touch with Source, God, whatever you want to call it, is the connection, to our real selves, not the ego mind. Martin Seligman notes that whilst there has been a ton of successes regarding mental illness with drugs, psychotherapy, etc, a downside to that is that one of the results of this success is that 90% of the science in psychology is now based on the disease model, and this has resulted in three costs: 1. "The first one was moral, that we became victimologists and pathologizers. Our view of human nature was that mental illness fell on you like a ton of bricks, and we forgot about notions like choice, responsibility, preference, will, character, and the like. 2. The second cost was that by working only on mental illness we forgot about making the lives of relatively untroubled people happier, more productive, and more fulfilling. And we completely forgot about genius, which became a dirty word. 3. The third cost was that because we were trying to undo pathology we didn't develop interventions to make people happier; we developed interventions to make people less miserable." I entirely agree with this concept. I use Cognitive Behavioural Therapy in my practice and one of the aims is to get people to look at their problems and see how they are disturbing themselves by unhealthy thoughts, then begin the process of seeing a bigger picture. To realize what their strengths are and work with them, enjoy them. Its important to encourage them that they dont have to be like everyone else, but follow their true strengths and enjoy them, contribute. Aristotle talked about the pursuit of happiness, he didnt mean partying and laughing most of the time. He meant pleasures of contemplation, good conversation. When you are in the flow and weve all heard that word now, everything just feels right, self consciousness disappears, you are at one. This can happen playing or listening to music, doing sports, being with people who are like minded. It can often happen in nature, when you are alone. I myself, often have this feeling when Im near the sea, and just recently on my trip to Sri Lanka, I can remember sitting one day and just looking out at the sunrise and suddenly seeing the auras of the palm trees. I have tried for years to see auras and never succeeded, most probably because I was using my conscious mind to do so. But this happened unexpectedly because I was so relaxed and at one. Some questions to ask yourself about your inner contentment are: 1. Is there something that brings a smile to your face consistently? 2. Do you experience deep emotions when you see something beautiful? 3. If someone really upsets you, do you tend to work through it and let it go? 4. Is your view of the world, in general, very good? 5. Do you like a challenge? 6. Do you make decisions quickly and tend to be right about them? 7. Do you count your blessings every single day? 8. Do you get on with most people? 9. Do you always have something interesting to do/think about? 10. Do you like to set goals? 11. Is there at least one thing in your life you love doing and you do it regularly? 12. Do you have a laugh or make some else laugh at least once a day? 13. Do you enjoy time on your own? 14. Do you ultimately know that if you get down, that you will definitely come up soon? If you answered yes to most of these questions, you probably are quite an optimistic and contented person in general and you probably do connect to your real/higher self some of the time. If most of them were nos, you probably need to think deeper about what does bring you feelings of contentment, happiness and try to see even small things can be really wonderful if you allow that emotion in. Start small, really appreciate what you do have, dont compare or dwell on what you dont, this will keep you stuck and possibly depressed. As a guideline if you do something you love every day and give real appreciation for something you have every day, you will be soon feeling much better about yourself and the world in general. Onwards and upwards and have a very contented week! 2006 INSPIRIT & Denise Bosque All Rights Reserved Related Articles 93 - STRATEGIES TO HELP DEPRESSION |
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