WEEKLY COACHING TIP #180                                                                                                                            

GET SOME ATTITUDE!

Amongst the many things that tend to come up in coaching, time and time again, are lack of self acceptance, even with very successful people, deservingness, worthlessness, being unlovable and fear.

What also came up, to an extent, on this course, was anger.  Anger is often about unresolved issues.  People who are often angry at some level tend to deal with it either by venting or repressing.  This can also lead to blaming, especially if it’s family related.

We have emotional projections whereby we remember something that made us angry in the past and maybe we are about to go into a similar situation with that person and before we know it we’ve started off a whole inner dialogue and more importantly, physiology.  Old neural networks are re-activated and the angry feelings come back and you are not even in that situation yet, you are just projecting them into your future!  Is it any wonder that we get more of the same stuff in out lives!  

Think about it, have you ever regretted saying something in the heat of the moment or found yourself really blaming someone for your misfortune and then went on to tell yourself a whole story about it, thereby allowing it to fester and causing even more resentment.

The key to changing this behaviour is to catch that feeling first. 

It may be a tight feeling somewhere in the body, rapid breathing or a general feeling of anxiety or uneasiness.  As soon as you notice this, it’s imperative that you begin to break the cycle you are in.  If you don’t, you will just keep repeating the pattern.  Furthermore, you will be releasing a whole host of ‘bad’ chemicals into the body which age us very quickly and play havoc on every cell of our bodies.

I actually have a biofeedback software called Freeze Framer (from the Heartmath Institute in California) that is designed to measure the heart coherence and to help people actually change the feeling in the body to one of calmness, appreciation and ultimately love so they can begin to disconnect from the old ‘programme’ and replace it with new feelings and behaviour.  You may not be aware but there is an intense communication between the brain and heart, most of these signals however originate from the heart.

When we are in a pattern of anger or frustration, or indeed any pattern of behaviour, the repetition of it in the neural networks becomes so imprinted it becomes an emotional belief.  If we happen to get really, really angry or fearful, the amygdale, a part of our brain, hijacks us and we react, sometimes in ways that we could seriously regret.  What in fact happens is that we cut off a part of brain that rationalises and we go into a kind of fight or flight and this in effect, makes us less intelligent.  One very good reason not to do stress too much in our lives!

So if you would like to ‘re-programme’ your anger, frustration or rage, especially if certain things trigger it, then you can try the following exercise, which is particularly brilliant using the Freeze Framer, because you can see in real time if you are activating the good feelings such as appreciation, compassion, love, etc.  In effect, you are actually re-programming in your neural and nervous system for better responses to old ‘triggers’. If you’d like to find out more about this please contact me.

EXERCISE

1.      Identify a behaviour you find yourself doing regularly:

•  All or nothing thinking: 

o        “I didn’t get promotion this year, the boss must think I’m useless”

o        “He’s really selfish”

o        “I bet she screws up again, she’s hopeless at xx” 

This kind of thinking is usually because you can’t see any other options.

•  Judging: 

o        “He’s never generous”

o        “She’s always getting it wrong”

o        “I’m a hopeless wife”

These assumptions and generalisations are often so automatic you don’t even know you are doing them, yet they can still trigger your anger or frustration.

•  Blaming and accusing: 

o        “If it wasn’t for my father I wouldn’t be doing this dreadful job”

o        “I’m always being taken advantage of” 

Sometimes we blame because we believe deep down that someone has been unfair to us.  This can eventually trigger anger or keep it simmering in the background for years.

•  Maybe you find yourself thinking things such as:

o        “I wish my kids would just…”

o        “If only he would…”

All of the above tend to make us less coherent; heart and mind are out of sync with each other. 

2.      Remember a time when you did act from your heart, when you could have reacted to something negatively, but instead, you went to an inner wisdom and did or said something which was really helpful to someone else.  Remember how that felt.  It was good wasn’t it?   Or, maybe someone you know did an unexpected act of kindness for you which made you feel really lovely and cared for.  Use this as a reference point.  You are looking for some emotion that you can use to replace anger, frustration or rage with.  A good one to use is appreciation.

3.      Attitude Breathing: Once you think of a really good example such as appreciation, love, compassion, that makes you feel good, you can then do Attitude Breathing.  This is from the Heartmath Institute in California who invented the software for controlling anger and frustration.

4.      Use the positive emotion to such as appreciating or feeling compassion for someone or something.  You imagine breathing that emotion in through your heart for 2 or 3 breaths.

5.      Focus on your heart and solar plexus together, and keep breathing that feeling though that area.  Ask yourself, “What would be a better attitude for me to maintain this particular situation?”  An example of this could be, “don’t judge before you know the facts”, “Make peace with this”, “have more compassion”, etc.   

6.      Gently and sincerely pretend to breathe the new attitude in through the heart.  Then breathe it out through the solar plexus and stomach to anchor it in your body. Do this for a while until you feel the new attitude has set in.

Attitude breathing is a useful tool in a wide variety of situations.  When you would normally react to something this is a way of interrupting your pattern and finding alternative solutions, also because you aren’t stressed, the creative part of your brain can find solutions easier and quicker.  The other great spin off is, as soon as you begin to change your behaviour, you usually find others change for the positive too”. The trick, however, is to practice before you get into difficult situation that would anger or frustrate you.

Remember, too, that breathing is your life force, so you might as well get it to wholeheartedly support you and enhance your well being.  So this week practice Happy Attitude Breathing.