183 - IS YOUR IDENTITY HOLDING YOU BACK?

How are you, and who are you?

You might answer businessman, wife, accountant, athlete, caring loving person. Depending on what context you are thinking about, it could be almost anything.

Have you ever really wanted to do something in your life but didn’t even get on to the first rung of the ladder because you had fear of failure/success or didn’t have the time, etc. Did you ever want to start your own business, join a dating agency, dance at parties or be an entrepreneur? Whatever it may have been, there’s a good chance it wasn’t just fear holding you back. It may have been purely IDENTITY. “Can I do this, just me, myself?”, “Am I the sort of person who could…?”

When we start to work at identity level, things get very interesting because this is the blue print of ourselves that tells us “I’m a winner/loser, great musician, shy, confident, funny, caring, etc”. This is the core of who we believe who we are. It may not actually be true, but if we believe it, it is. If you have ever said, “I’m not the sort of person who could …” that’s a statement about your Identity. Whenever we are using “I am” sentences we will behave in a way that is consistent with whom we believe we are. Human beings have a need for consistency so we will always act in a way that is consistent with their identity.

We actually determine who we are by judging our own actions. So can you see the conflict if someone wants to find a loving relationship but believes that s/he couldn’t possibly meet any one because they are not the sort of person who is naturally outgoing or gregarious, they couldn’t go to a party on their own or even learn a new skill that could help them, so they are never going to take actions that doesn’t fit with who they believe they are. This is why taking actions towards any goal will be thwarted if it doesn’t fit in with who you believe you are.

I worked with a client once who believed herself to be a ‘background’ person, kept herself to herself. However, she knew she had to become more confident and assertive if she were to be in the running for a promotion she really wanted at work. So we began setting small goals, i.e. instigating a meeting at work or be the first one to voice an opinion during a meeting, just so she could begin to have reference points that she can actually do this and get it conditioned into her body.

Little by little she would do things like make an impromptu speech at a colleague’s leaving ‘do’. After a short while people started saying things to her such as “I could never do that, you’re so brave”, etc. At first my client didn’t really believe she was doing anything that big, mainly because her identity still said “I’m not the sort of person who does…” The psyche and the body hadn’t got up to speed with each other yet. Then one day she realised that actually “Yes, I am the sort of person who does x, because I am doing it”, then her identity began to shift. She took more and more consistent actions that matched her belief about herself.

It’s about e x p a n d i n g ourselves. Expanding who we think we are and want to be. If there is something in your life that you really want to do or become but you feel the problem is an identity one, try this exercise, but I would really suggest working with a coach or mentor as this really needs guidance and installing as you transform into the person you want to become in that certain context.

First of all get into a good, positive state, decide you really want to go deeper and be very curious.
“What do I want in X context or maybe it’s in life generally?” (Give the answer starting with “I”)
Write down the words that you feel describe you now? E.g. I am a quiet, caring person, I am an adventurer, I am shy, etc.
Read these over and just notice if it makes you feel good. Sit with your feelings. Don’t worry if it doesn’t, you have created this identity so you can create another. It’s just what you identify with, that’s all.
Now looking at your answers for No.2, in order for you to be that person what do you need to believe about yourself? This is about tapping into to your amazing potential that may have been kept under cover for years, who you really are, when you allow it! Begin the sentences with “In order for me to be that person I would have to believe….” Get all the beliefs down.
Who are some great role models either in real life or on TV/films/books that have qualities that you aspire to, have done things you want to?
Now have fun, imagine if you were them, what would they do, how would they walk, talk, how’s their posture, their voice tone, everything, try and act it out right now!
Stand up, stretch your arms out to the side, as if you are expanding yourself, look both ways, then stretch them out from front to back look both ways, then ceiling to floor, look both up and down, then bring both hands back in and feel the energy of your expansion coming back into your body holding your hands and the energy into your lower abdomen, standing tall with legs slightly apart and knees slightly bent. Do all of this exercise as if you are pushing out your boundaries expanding your horizons and feeling it inside.
Now immediately write down what actions you could take that would be consistent with your new identity in whatever context it is. See yourself doing them and enjoy it.
Check out all the people in your domain who could help you and who may hold you back. Begin to look for places and situations where you can start doing your new behaviour as part of your new identity and KEEP IT UP, it has to be conditioned, it takes times and repetition.
CELEBRATE; KNOW YOU HAVE JUST TAKEN SOME GREAT ACTIONS INSIDE OF YOURSELF TO CREATE THE PERSON YOUR TRULY WANT TO BECOME.

Onwards and upwards, and have an experiential week.