WEEKLY COACHING TIP #184                                                                                                   

DON’T REACT – RESPOND!

I was talking to a friend the other day, let’s call her Jane, who told me she recently had a major breakthrough with her sister.  Apparently she’d spent years trying to please her sister and feeling guilty about various things that had happened in their lives, which were nothing to do with her in particular, however, the sister had taken a perception and said and did things that made Jane feel that somehow she should always be the one who put her needs on ‘hold’.  Of course, over the years, resentments and ill feeling came up for Jane, but she managed to suppress it, until it finally came to a head.

Jane expressed herself about what she had felt over the years and why she was no longer going to react in a particular way when her sister did certain things, nor was she prepared to put herself second anymore.  Jane told me afterwards she felt really good; having finally expressed it and that there was a definite positive ‘shift’ within her. 

Of course once she’d finally come ‘clean’ on her true feelings, there was a feeling of liberation and the thought of ‘why didn’t I do that years ago’, and if they had, they could probably have had a much better and honest relationship. 

Often we do patterns of behaviours for years, especially with our family members, and we never stop to question why we do it or whether it’s even appropriate any more.  Sometimes this is because we need approval or feel guilty or simply just don’t want to ‘rock the boat’, anything for an easy life.  Yes, but at what price?

We all react to things in our lives, but if we were to stop and take an inventory of people or situations that ‘trigger’ us, that is, put us into a negative emotional state, we would probably find that it’s just become a habitual pattern of reacting, and you may be surprised at how many and the sort of situations that trigger you.

If you would like to stop reacting and start responding in a healthier, more functional way, then you may like to do the following exercise:

WHAT ARE THE 20 THINGS THAT YOU WOULD LIKE TO HABITUALLY STOP REACTING TO? 

Think of specific situations, problems, roles, people, life experiences, etc that you would really like to stop reacting to.  In order for anyone to break a pattern you first have to be aware of it.  Then decide what you want and the best way to get it.  Obviously, this does not involve manipulating anyone or harming them.  It’s about changing your own RESPONSE and be willing to deal with the consequences.  It’s also about knowing your new boundaries and not blaming others, taking responsibility for your life.  When you change your behaviour it often changes other’s too.

It is extremely important that you phrase your new response in a way where you feel empowered no matter what the outcome.

You can do this exercise with family, events, work, partners, the unexpected, everything!  Really think of the different areas where you are just in habitual, default mode and you don’t feel good about it.  You have to dig deep as they are probably your blind spots.  I would suggest you think of different areas of your life first and then notice the feelings that come up.  If they are negative or draining in any way, then you need to stop and think about how you can change your reaction to a healthier response.  It may mean having a conversation with someone to start with or just saying different words which are honest and in tune with who you really are.  Have fun, dig deep and stop reacting.  Choose your response.

Onwards and upwards, and have a responsive week.

© 2006 INSPIRIT & Denise Bosque All Rights Reserved